When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Sunday, 17 November 2013

mercy

I rethink over and over the things that you have done to me
I also think of things that I have done
I am no victim here but there are two possibilities;
I either didn’t try hard enough or you eluded me a long time ago
There is absolutely nothing I could have done to save this
You chose your path along time ago
You never really changed;
I was blinded and let myself play the fool
Now it’s time to pay the piper but he looks like he won’t take no pay this time
Oh the nightmares that so conscientiously torture me at night!
The devil of evil past and chains that refuse to unbind grapple grudgingly at my heart
I know real freedom comes with letting go
Oh how I try everyday
Oh how I try to forget everything and accept
I know there is nothing I can ever do or say to change you
I will leave that to karma
I cried too many tears and my eyes eventually dried
My tear well just refused to refill and for that I am grateful
I can’t figure what it is that keeps me thinking about you
Because all it does is disturb my peace, intrude my dreams and make my days a living hell
My biggest achievement would just be not thinking about you
Because right now; I don’t hope, expect and I let go of all the feelings that did me no mercies
But thoughts, that I have been controlling for months
If I could be hit by a rock and got amnesia, that would be a great relief
I wish this could pass faster than it’s proving to
I wish I could so easily turn another page so I’m not at your pretentious mercies 
I fall down on bent knees every night and beg for mercy from the bigger deity
I cry out loud almost dramatically
To be saved from this hell hole
I refuse to be a whiny child but all I need for now is mercy, peace, tranquility
“Oh merciful one take thy pity on me and save me thus from this torturous chamber”
I beg yet again. Over and over but still in vain
I once again disregard my imaginative mind that always tended to transform realities into nightmares and nightmare into reality
What kind of mercy do the gods even portray if this suffering shall continue on like a child’s game that should have ended a while ago but it just won’t?
My mind races at break neck speed
This situation is not worth the candle but my mind refuses to comprehend that
I need mercy, I crave mercy, I seek mercy!
When will I get that great one?
For it’s all I seek


Saturday, 2 November 2013

the devil's game

Some days were better than others and some days worse.
I felt down, angry, frustrated and like I was losing my mind …
….Some days….
… and I felt peaceful and tranquil other days. The bitter irony and luxury of metaphorical paradox!
Most days were indifferent and others good or bad.
I however made a decision not to break down anymore.
I said to myself, I shall not cry for the same reason I did for the past 3 years.
I toughened up and said no matter what I shall not break.
I said I shall not make contact but I did for the sake of peace.
I let myself many a time…..
… in belief that it was healthy for my conscience but the fact is it just broke me down even more.
I cried for how hopeless and helpless I was.
Could I have been hallucinating? I asked myself.
Could I have imagined all these things?
Then I noticed the answers that I so badly sought for are actually the ones I didn’t really want to know.
Everything was so sore and confused me.
One moment I was fine and the other my thoughts raced wildly like a stray beast.
I bit my tongue to keep in the tears.
I ran a couple of miles to keep myself from breaking and boy did it work!
What is it about this situation that made me so vulnerable? I asked myself.
I was never one to cry over spilled milk for this long?
I then tried to remind myself that all these things happened to people every day, had happened to me before and would probably happen again sometime.
Sometimes there was no explanation….most times there wasn’t any reason.
I struggled to muster the art of meditation and deep breaths lest my weakness engulfs me.
No matter what happened, I was progressing.
I said to myself over and over that I was not going to let the demons in ever again.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t break down no matter what….not so the devil could laugh at me in the face.
I gladly ripped my heart out so mercilessly and gave it to the devil.
The sly bastard smiled and I smiled back blatantly.
This was because the devil was merely a figment of my imagination and my heart….well my heart was just another plastic container ….
At least for right now…