When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Friday, 13 December 2013

deathly lullaby 2

As my mind thus wanders back and forth;
Nearer and farthest...
My head faces stilly to the north
One direction so in tact yet the other at its fastest
Thoughts of slipping away silently
To my eternal resting place
Come visit me almost nightly
And sing melancholic tunes mockingly to my face

Restless, hopeless, helplessly I lay
Twisting almost agonisingly in my bed
In my mind I see something as swift as a ray
But I know all this wishfulness is in my head

The Excruciation is the devil at play
If he were man enough he'd know when to slay  
I curse silently in my chamber but forget to pray
My mind's chosen suffering and there it will stay
If I might, I will gladly die tonight. That I may
It will be my last word I swear: that I must say

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

death note

If I die to night let not this be my last song.
For songs that play way after the audience has left echoes through the streets and warms hearts that did not know needed embrace, solace and soothing.
Has my life become a barrel of emptiness, disillusionment and hopelessness?
Do I value it so little that I would throw it away for someone who has never, does not and will never care about me?
I wonder why I put myself so low.
That great chances pass me by whilst I cry over spilled milk; something that was inevitable: couldn't have done something to save it.
I feel myself drown and I let it happen.
Watch me disappear beneath the ocean.
I take a giant step forward and several backwards.
I do this to myself and yet again blame the universe.
Is it not me that sends those bad signals?
Am I not the bad vibe magnet?
I always was proud but not anymore.
Its like I thrust away my self value and now see me through your eyes.
I write down my death note with sincere happiness.
I hope the world could be a better place without me. Your world

Sunday, 17 November 2013

mercy

I rethink over and over the things that you have done to me
I also think of things that I have done
I am no victim here but there are two possibilities;
I either didn’t try hard enough or you eluded me a long time ago
There is absolutely nothing I could have done to save this
You chose your path along time ago
You never really changed;
I was blinded and let myself play the fool
Now it’s time to pay the piper but he looks like he won’t take no pay this time
Oh the nightmares that so conscientiously torture me at night!
The devil of evil past and chains that refuse to unbind grapple grudgingly at my heart
I know real freedom comes with letting go
Oh how I try everyday
Oh how I try to forget everything and accept
I know there is nothing I can ever do or say to change you
I will leave that to karma
I cried too many tears and my eyes eventually dried
My tear well just refused to refill and for that I am grateful
I can’t figure what it is that keeps me thinking about you
Because all it does is disturb my peace, intrude my dreams and make my days a living hell
My biggest achievement would just be not thinking about you
Because right now; I don’t hope, expect and I let go of all the feelings that did me no mercies
But thoughts, that I have been controlling for months
If I could be hit by a rock and got amnesia, that would be a great relief
I wish this could pass faster than it’s proving to
I wish I could so easily turn another page so I’m not at your pretentious mercies 
I fall down on bent knees every night and beg for mercy from the bigger deity
I cry out loud almost dramatically
To be saved from this hell hole
I refuse to be a whiny child but all I need for now is mercy, peace, tranquility
“Oh merciful one take thy pity on me and save me thus from this torturous chamber”
I beg yet again. Over and over but still in vain
I once again disregard my imaginative mind that always tended to transform realities into nightmares and nightmare into reality
What kind of mercy do the gods even portray if this suffering shall continue on like a child’s game that should have ended a while ago but it just won’t?
My mind races at break neck speed
This situation is not worth the candle but my mind refuses to comprehend that
I need mercy, I crave mercy, I seek mercy!
When will I get that great one?
For it’s all I seek


Saturday, 2 November 2013

the devil's game

Some days were better than others and some days worse.
I felt down, angry, frustrated and like I was losing my mind …
….Some days….
… and I felt peaceful and tranquil other days. The bitter irony and luxury of metaphorical paradox!
Most days were indifferent and others good or bad.
I however made a decision not to break down anymore.
I said to myself, I shall not cry for the same reason I did for the past 3 years.
I toughened up and said no matter what I shall not break.
I said I shall not make contact but I did for the sake of peace.
I let myself many a time…..
… in belief that it was healthy for my conscience but the fact is it just broke me down even more.
I cried for how hopeless and helpless I was.
Could I have been hallucinating? I asked myself.
Could I have imagined all these things?
Then I noticed the answers that I so badly sought for are actually the ones I didn’t really want to know.
Everything was so sore and confused me.
One moment I was fine and the other my thoughts raced wildly like a stray beast.
I bit my tongue to keep in the tears.
I ran a couple of miles to keep myself from breaking and boy did it work!
What is it about this situation that made me so vulnerable? I asked myself.
I was never one to cry over spilled milk for this long?
I then tried to remind myself that all these things happened to people every day, had happened to me before and would probably happen again sometime.
Sometimes there was no explanation….most times there wasn’t any reason.
I struggled to muster the art of meditation and deep breaths lest my weakness engulfs me.
No matter what happened, I was progressing.
I said to myself over and over that I was not going to let the demons in ever again.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t break down no matter what….not so the devil could laugh at me in the face.
I gladly ripped my heart out so mercilessly and gave it to the devil.
The sly bastard smiled and I smiled back blatantly.
This was because the devil was merely a figment of my imagination and my heart….well my heart was just another plastic container ….
At least for right now…



Thursday, 24 October 2013

where do broken hearts go (part 1)-tease

She danced like a skilled stripper as she looked through the corner of her eye at what she thought was the most beautiful thing.
She was full of energy and wild, she had had her wild days and had the confidence of a lioness.
She smiled and made flirty gestures to him but he still shied away.
She then walked to him and begun to give him what seemed like a strip tease. His friends cheered him up.
He eventually got up slowly. He couldn't quite dance but she was determined to give him a night he would never forget and at least that she hoped she did because she could never forget it.
The night was perfect! Prom night always was special. Junior prom had just proven this with this new found friendship...could it be love at first sight, could it be a possible beautiful relationship...
It was so perfect. Oh that it was!
She moved like a queen dancer and he moved like a sea-saw but it didn't matter. Holy had managed to put a smile on his face and that is all that mattered.

Days went and the two had become the perfect pair. the shy had become more confident and the wild had become calmer.
Dear Holy, 
.......
Love, Snowy
The letters begun to come in and Holy thought she was the luckiest girl in the world. All her hard work of not giving every douche bag a chance had finally paid off...
Then the special moment came...
Her mouth curved in the most delightful way as the first act of love was passed from mouth to mouth.
Blush shot up his cheeks in the most fiery way there was.
He was shy, she was fierce.
"Is that what a kiss is?" He asked.
"Oh, I'll show you tomorrow," she winked and smiled.
He watched her leave in pure adoration and joy.
She jumped away playfully as she was on her way home.
From a distance she could have sworn she saw the silhouette smile!
She had given him his first kiss , it was beyond the imaginable.
First young love felt so real. Everything was just exciting and going too fast....
Then with end of the year came an end of great things, what was just yet blossoming..
He felt like he was growing too fast, he told her he still felt young.
She broke down, her first love had suddenly walked  out on her just when she thought it was magic and rainbows.
Junior highschool ended and then came senior year but Holy always had the love that Snowy held in her heart.
She knew she should let go but she never dared let go.
Until finally Snowy begun to date.
She felt lost, she lost herself. She went through series of bad decision after the other.
The years ran by so fast and senior year ended.

Once again a new year had begun with much potential. Holy over 18 and more grown up now once again spotted Snowy in the club looking depressed.
Instantly the fire was re-sparked......

Monday, 21 October 2013

What's in a name?

Another riddle yet again crossed my mind.
Was it me or was it him?
Had I tried or had I not tried?
My mind once again was going through immeasurable agony.
I had no control of my mind as wild thoughts shifted from bad case scenario to worst case scenario.
I had nothing in it for me.
I tried to think positive but resentment and anger had clouded my judgment.
I tried to clear the clutter of thought in my mind but it was all in vain.
My hands tried desperately not to shiver.
The truth had long been tempered with and the possibility that I was overreacting was on chance of 50-50.
I rubbed my eyes, then my temple as if to erase off the bad thought, memories and negativity.
I rummaged through my brain and almost felt like i was picking it literally.
The answers that i sought wrung my heart.
 I felt like my world was collapsing right in front of me.
The once wise quote I'd heard over and over again ran through my mind. "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!
It finally begun to make sense.
Over the years of trying I had hopelessly lost myself, i had put myself in the position to be vulnerable.
I'd let my delusions control me once again.
A cry for help I thought, this is a cry for help.
And then i stared in agitation at the blade besides me.
I walked over to the balcony and the distance far below me made me shiver.
I wasn't brave nor a coward.
I was HOPE. Yes that was it
What's in a name? what's in my name?
Suddenly my head cleared, I just had to remember what was in my name?
The source of all optimism and positiveness. 
I didn't smile but I knew ...I knew that only I had control over my thoughts!

Friday, 30 August 2013

Speak softly


He whispered in my ears but I wasn’t quite paying attention. “A word” he said or at least it’s what I thought he said. “I beg for your pardon madam,” he continued to badger.
I slowly stopped twisting my hair in my hands and biting the insides of my mouth out of deep thought, ready to deal with this unbecoming pest.
I reluctantly turned with impatience as my fortitude had been toyed with, tried and tested immediately I entered that room.
The horror, the disbelief….
Alas! It was the faceless man and demon of mercy.
A silent sigh escaped my pouted mouth as I faced my nightmare. I was so speechless that my tongue felt as heavy as a bag of cement.
“what is it you seek,” he went on.
My mouth quivered, my heart shrunk beneath my rib cage.
I struggled to speak back but other demons of ruthlessness, fear and shyness forbade me.
I twisted in my chair and the figure floated swiftly even closer to me.
My body shook, my eyes bulged out in exaggeration as fear engulfed my whole being.
‘what is it you seek,” he asked once again.
I closed my eyes like I always did in every bad dream.
The feeling of fear was so strong it sounded like the howling wind carrying bad news about deaths of soldiers that fought a war in which they were not supposed to die.
And then it wasn’t there.
The room was as silent as a symmetry before the zombie apocalypse…
I slowly opened my eyes and the room was clear. I exhaled a sigh of relief.
I looked into the mirror and smiled almost too timid to touch my own face.
And then there he was…but this time it was staring right back at me in the mirror….

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

dark twisted fantasy

Dark beautiful thoughts
Dark beautiful thoughts beckon me to ride black headless horses with dead horsemen
My heart races excitedly like an imp on a legit evil mission
The power to have power becomes an ambition so horrendous that my sole life purpose is to join the dark side
To absorb the dark energy and let it become my soul and self
Twisted worlds where the dead , the undead and the restless souls claim the world become my fantasy
Nightmares become an obsession
I feel obsessed… I am obsessed
The feeling of fear thrills me and it becomes a permanent thirst
No river ever flowing could fulfil this thirst….
Dark beautiful thoughts engulf me…. I am breathless but I like it
I spread my flightless wings to fly…. My reality is I’ll fall and die but my fantasy is I’ll be on the other side….
Boneless…floating and free…

Just like a butterfly 

Crying over spilled milk


I wept, I cried, I lost sanity
The tears that I once forced not to wail and weigh down my eyes had become the devil’s best twisted game he chose to play on me
The anger, the resentment and all the negativity that I couldn’t take anymore wiped the plastic smile right off my face
I cried, I smiled, I pulled my hair out mercilessly
“mercy, have mercy,’ I cried out
But the devil wasn’t done. His cruel obsession to torment me had become a hobby.
My heart dared to stiffen and give up hope completely
There must be a loop hole, I thought. There must be a way in which I could easily strike back and take back my balance.
Solitude had become my best friend, self-pity had  become my personality.
I screamed, I threw hideous ginormous tantrums and did things like a six year old did when mother did not buy ice cream after a long hot day at school.
My body shivered, the mirror was my enemy; my eyes quivered my thoughts were my makers and destroyers
Oh mighty one, did you dessert me to the devil. Did all my prayers and pleas become a game to the gods.
Was this some sort of punishment for something I did earlier in my life time?
Was karma finally striking back and laughing straight to my face?
Wish it had stabbed me in the back rather than do its evils right before me.
I begged, my ego was long bruised and self-respect refused to be my virtue.
Oh merciful one! Do not forsake me so. I cried, I hopped, I begged…
But the lights did not come back on that day…they never came on for weeks or even months later…
The cycle of frustration and self-torment only continued even more harshly.
My heart shattered in millions and I knew the day had come…the day to turn a new leaf.
The day I wasn’t going to be the devil’s very own puppet…the day I wasn’t going to be game of the gods or karma…
I began to see the light towards the end of the tunnel like that in the horror movies…but this was no ordinary light
Colors infused in darkness and light robbed of its porosity …
A new kind of game had been set up right in front of me. Only this time, I accepted it was a game and I wore my heart on my sleeves…

I was done crying over spilled milk!

Saturday, 13 July 2013

void much?

I’ve been living out of my skin and watching myself do what I do every day. Watch how I go about with my everyday life. There is a colossal void inside me. It is definitely the vastest thing that makes me feel like someone dug a hole right through my heart.
My heart wrings internally. I feel like pieces of it are being slowly melted by a rancorous fervour.
A ball of discomposure, soreness and disillusion bedevils at my heart. My heart beat sounds like a sound track from a bloody slasher movie.
Flashes of bad memories, horrible mistakes and continuous disappointments replay in my head but I can almost feel them…like I am reliving them.
My heart cries out for mercy but my torture chamber has just been set up.
The hole grows bigger with every hour that passes.
Why can’t I stop feeling like this? Why can it not be easy?
Suicidal intentions cling to my mind as I stare over my 7th floor balcony.
The thought of crushing my bones against rough stones and tarmac make me quiver inwardly.
The emptiness in my heart begins to grow smaller as I realize the value of life

Smaller but not gone, stashed away yet clinging painfully to my heart 

Saturday, 29 June 2013

talk about verbose

Naturally, he smiled and I smiled back.
The conversation was getting a little bit odd. The only thing that I just wanted to do was stretch my hand out to shut him out.
I smiled politely yet again at the continuous tedious unfunny joke. The mouth on him could go on forever.
I yawned deliberately in silent rebellion. Everyone laughed. I looked over my shoulder to realize that I had once again missed out on the good side of the conversation.
He laughed the loudest at his unbecomingly insensitive jokes. His mouth curved in shape of a cave and I could see pieces of different cuisines he had eaten early on that day or even days before.
I laughed awkwardly as my heart tore in between nostalgia and pain from a boring conversation and an infamous chain of cheesy unfunny jokes.
Everyone regarded me in utter resentment. I cringed inwardly in sincere embarrassment.
My head sunk slowly in mortification like the titanic.
I yearned for someone on the good side of the conversation to say something random…anything.
He silently cursed under his breath finally realizing I was trying to do everything possible to ignore him.
It begun to drizzle and as the stereotypical black girl who will not have any single droplet of rain in her hair, I ran.
I ran away in final relief and freedom.
No words explained and no time to make small talk about how it had suddenly begun to pour and I needed to check out.

I looked over my shoulder as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I saw what seemed like a clear mini liquid come out of his eye …and I couldn’t quite tell if it was from the rain, tears of failure or yet another self-righteous outbreak of laughter from his own bad jokes. 

Saturday, 25 May 2013

the sky is not the limit



Colours infused into life and life infused into colors. My heart rises and falls at such unspoken and pure beauty.
The birds in the sky crave to be loved and baked in the care of the soft beckoning clouds.
The sky is not the limit…it never was.
A song plays calmly in my head.
What inspired me beyond the green of mother nature- what inspires me above the brown of the semi-desert.
A new realization downs on me as I sit on the balcony. I can hear the mariachi band play in my head once more.
The once lost me is now back. The need to belong to a certain club is something that my heart no longer desires.
My fears, distraught and a lot of other negative thoughts I had have been sucked into an invisible vacuum I could care less about.
The only things that make me feel alive are the beauties of nature that narrate a history of the universe’s creative doing.
I aim to shoot and I shoot to aim. The only true things that really drive me to pursue my goals.
The whisper of the winds speak silently of future goals that had been stashed away for tomorrow’s references.
My heart is no longer empty as the power to succeed envelops my heart and mind.
The sky is not the limit…it never was.

victimize


The lies had become a habit and everything that seemed to come out was twisted and different every day.
Victimizing was the only thing that she could have done to make herself become more miserable.
The negative thoughts flooded in like the hurricane.
The weak hearts tore into pieces and the only thing that could save her was her imagination.
The tides were getting high and the little things in life that didn’t matter before begun to matter.
Old wounds got refreshed over and over again by the teasing waves of hopelessness.
The fear of tomorrow made her shiver and shriek. The sun shone brightly but she still caved in under her blankets.
Reality became her enemy and dreams became her nightmare.
A lot of chains were binding her and she was glued to the dark past.
The only person who could break those heavy chains was herself.

the girl i knew


The girl she used to be …that I remember
She always wanted to be a member
Of that little wanna-be squad
 oh that she did
I recall her looking like a squid
Color of the peacock loaded up on her eye lid
Oh how my heart fell for I knew
How much you had to go through when you were new

The little sweet girl she used to be, I cannot forget
The things she is doing now, only she can regret
Later on in life, when the things she wants, she cannot get.

The girl so full of life and so na├»ve – that she was
Always trying to get life’s best buzz
Only she never realized how life got tough
And how things got sore and rough
Oh that I bet she didn’t see it coming
But her reaction was surprisingly calming

Oh she used to be the sweetest girl
All she really needed was a twirl
At a ball and maybe she could have ended up better
But no, she wanted to be greater
Greater than the master himself
And yes, she ended up ruining herself
And the sweetest girl I knew was no more
She had broken down herself to the core.


Friday, 24 May 2013

A beautiful nightmare


The bird in the distance becomes an airplane is it approaches and becomes more visible.
The drizzles become heavy rains as the trees shiver in agony.
I am lucky to be sheltered.
I stick out my hand from the balcony and feel the stinging yet gentle showers.
It is a reminder that life is always beautiful- that anything so small can become really big.
Life is a game and it is the universe that we only have to answer to.
Winds blow smoothly through my freshly conditioned hair, my lips are dry from too much sleep, my eyes are swollen from too much entertainment.
The door closes and the window opens
A butterfly flies in the far distance to remind me that the rain has stopped
Cars speed nosily on the road and people scream for attention way below my level.
Everything seems to be frozen yet it still moves really fast.
My mind is racing again like a loose goose. God I should stop, creativity is at its best as my mind changes birds to dragons and winds to fire
I am in a war torn zone where life is extinct. My whole body is paralyzed and my sword is drenched with innocent blood.
My body hurts but I feel myself rise to the dragon then I fall into the black whole way down below
My eyes open slowly and I am back to reality.
My pen beckons me to get back to the desk and write
A lonely lullaby has been sung, hearts have sunk like the titanic- yet my hear still beats and my mouth curves wryly to smile…
A message has been sent. The universe is giving back 

Sunday, 19 May 2013

a few days left


Occasionally I feel resilient and other times I feel certainly puny.
It’s only been a few days and there’s no telling where this is going.
The inner on-going battle is the mammoth scuffle of them all.
Sometimes the feeling of weakness, treachery, guilt and delusion ensnare me and my soul caves in.
My body is feeble and my heart is shattered into pieces.
Other times my will is sturdy as metal.
I haven’t stood alone in years and this is my first time to prove that I can get it on on my own.
Everything around me screams   in controversy, contradiction.
The weakness within me pushes me to keep in contact but the strength within me detaches my soul from my body….only for a while
Strength at this point is entirely supernatural.
The constant battle to hold on and not let insanity corrupt me is driving my mind towards suicide; or at least used to.
My raging inner demons are always threatening to attack but by the power invested in me by my greater deity I refute defeat.
Step by step is the process I will need to heal. The years that I spend pinching my self to wake up have paid off.
My eyes are no longer running and my teeth are not gritted.
There is a sudden calmness although ghosts of the past try to pull me to the dark side.
Maturity has taken its toll, once I couldn’t have handled it like that…and once is not so long ago.
The rebellious dragon within me threatens to produce fire but the coolness with in extinguishes it out.
The freedom of inner peace is working its magic…but it can’t be guaranteed that anything is permanent…after all its only been few days.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

perfection


We create our own little perfect world where we expect everyone in our lives to be perfect. Forgetting that us ourselves cannot be happy with this ideal since we are not perfect.
The good guy becomes the evil villain with every single mistake that he makes not considering the fact that we could have contributed to such a tragedy.
A world of hopelessness begins to unfold and we can only cling to reality by creating the imaginary.
Our hearts suffer heartbreaks that we could have avoided had we even been slightly remotely happy.
Conscious and unconscious memories become torturers of our vengeful souls.
Tears that many a time we promised not to cry become like drizzles in the rainy season. Expected yet we still go ahead to fall into our delay routine.
Bad habits begin to get back in contact with you because you never recovered from your earlier distraught.
The wind blows sparingly yet grudgingly into your stiff hair.
The blame is to go to all the people that never tried. The people that never were there when you needed them the most become part of the blame game never forgetting that you could have done something to contribute to this in your past life.
Suicide slips into the mind as control is the last thing your body can accept.
Insanity sneaks in once in a while and the only grip you have is the false hope that everything can get back to normal.
But what’s normal. Shakespeare did say is better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all.
What’s a heart for if all it’s gonna get is broken.
Warning signs of doom linger dangerously as situation slowly falls out of hand. Nothing and no one can save you but yourself.
Self pity, blame and insecurity become your major characteristic. Everything you see is sending a message and the only emotion right now is to attack.
Worlds of hash past begin to flood in because forgiveness never was your thing.
All the past pain that you ever felt stayed clogged in your chest and that’s what was suffocating you in the first place.
Going over and over with thoughts of what used to be, what could be and what could never be. The repetition goes on but nothing gets better.
The words that you so desperately never wanted to hear are the only things you can truly hear. “let go, forgive and forget.’
The hardest things yet the wisest things to do.
Reality has kicked in and there is no denying it this time.
The long awaited yet ignored time is here and you have to do exactly what the hardest thing is.
Tears have welled out so many times and the only salty water you need is saliva going down your throat for you’ve swallowed your pain, pride and disillusions and let your soul go free.
You’ve forgiven, forgotten and appreciated that life comes with no instructions and the best you can do is just have fun while it lasts.
A deep breathe calms you slowly for the first time and you know the chapter is closed. The monster has left the cage and into the fire. Never to return for its rough skin has been burnt straight to ashes.
So long my beautiful illusion my heart has now bounced back, dark shadows lark no more in this territory.
The sweetness of life has returned and only the beautiful memories can last forever.

Saturday, 11 May 2013

Treasure



Weird how a cloth you once treasured so much becomes trash.
You use it to clean your feet you soaked in a bucket so religiously to get rid of the dead skin,
Use it to dry your freshly conditioned hair because your towel is too good for the job,
Use it to clean and dust all your dusty staff before you realize you just can’t throw it away
It was once your precious little purple shirt
You get detergent and fabric softener to treat it but not because you want it back
Someone else needs it more than you, it’s time to let it go and put it in that charity donation box.
Once your lucky shirt and now your rag, it surely can’t end this way
Someone out there will always see another man’s trash as their treasure
With all the work it did, from making your boobs pop in it on a funky Saturday night to cleaning your freshly pampered feet…
It sure deserves a happy ending too

Thursday, 11 April 2013

so surreal


The trees kissed in perfect harmony and tranquility.
The swaying of the leaves was at first swift and gentle; then it became wilder and wilder as the wind contributed to its alienated rhythm.
It reminded me of a movie I had watched recently; the beasts of the southern wild. My mind froze as I begun to realize the real significance of this occurrence. The phrase every single thing happens for a reason begun to sink in…
Beyond the kissing of the trees was a guy or girl dressed in white; far on my right; walking hastily in the rain; then on my left was certainly a man…dressed in brown, walking almost slowly as if the stinging showers did not matter to him at all.
Below the love making of the trees was a black hole; some may call it a trench or drainage but to me it was a prop in this setting. It was a black empty vessel begging to be loved.
The trees continued in their less than erotic affair as the rain begun to fall even faster and heavier.
I raised my eyes back to the pavement and I saw three umbrellas carefully aligned; one was pink, another red and the other grey. The pink and red umbrellas reminded me of roses; beautiful, radiant and so full of life despite the raging rain and its delicate state.
On the other hand, the grey one reminded me of predators that always jumped at the opportunity to trample down the roses.
A new realization dawned on me and I smiled knowingly, this was my calling and if anybody was an expert at callings it was me…

little monster creation


Every now and then something had popped up in her head. An idea of what could have happened for her to create this estranged character. A lot of things ran threw her mind but the real issue that bounced back now and then was that it was her. Her ambitions and motivations had driven her so hard that she had only focused on an unrealistic outcome rather than the real issue at hand.
She had always trusted her mind to tell her what was right despite the heart’s raging jealousy to block her from her destiny. But right now trust had become an issue.
She flipped through the pages of her new book and they stared back at her, the story board was not going to be needed. The way she had visualized things could not be put into a storyboard. She studied her character carefully again.
At the beginning of her chapter, her character had been like an open book which was ironic because now she could not open the book. It brought tears to her eyes.
The character was loving, trustworthy, faithful and had absolutely nothing to hide. Everyone respected her, she was her own independent person who never cared to fit it, she intimidated people but that’s what made her special.
She blinked back tears of betrayal; so many lies had occurred; little things that seemed petty were growing into a huge mountain of lies. Esther threw the book away, why wouldn’t people scream at characters not to go there in real life; warn them of forth coming danger that could destroy them.
She slowly picked up the book again…. What was left of her was now an indecent morally corrupt individual who cared about her friends more than she did about herself or her health. People who are supposed to matter mattered least and the only thing she knew she needed in her hand was the life of a party and a bottle in another.
Life was a party they said, real people party every day and still manage to juggle life they said…
Then bits of it came back to her and boy did it….

The grass had always been greener on the other side. The people on the estate seemed to be freer than the rest on the other side of town. The business of the streets and the wild party life on the other hand had inspired her…actually more than inspired her.
It drove her to obsession; she so badly wanted that life that when invited, she did not hesitate. She quickly joined in and that is where the character description evolved…
She had lived it before and just when she though the drama was done and she could write a book, she had just begun. Her alter ego was just getting started. He had to enjoy that same life too. It was not always going to be about Esther….

Esther put down her book and lit a cigarette, sat by her window and now she knew she understood a thing or two about people; characters were never just come up with, the writer must have experienced something sometime so similar; in their previous life.
Otherwise, how else could a description be so perfect, a creation so real and very intriguing.

Sunday, 31 March 2013

when i got drugged 2


She stared out the window hopelessly. She felt like the devil had exchanged her soul for some depressed soul that hasn’t gotten closure after committing suicide years ago.
Lurking in the dark shadows blindly but with false hope and purpose.
Yes, she was in desperate need for hope. She puffed at her cigarette mercilessly like her lungs were made of metal.
She looked far beyond to the stars and she noticed there wasn’t any.
She shifted edgily at her window seal and looked way down below. People smiled at laughed.
Oh how it filled her with nostalgia. HHow she hated it…how she hated them.
The heat from the cigarette burnt her fingers painfully to remind her it was time to quit.
She let it go off the balcony slowly, like a suicidal girl.
She threw on her top and walked reluctantly to the front of her apartment. Her mind raced faster than a racing car…
Her heart was exploding with guilt, trauma and some kind of heart break…

Sunday, 17 March 2013

when i got drugged



My face hit the ground glaringly yet very gracefully. Everything was in double and my eye sight was very fuzzy.
I was seeing the Dutch angle being carefully established in a more realistic account. My limbs had definitely lost balance and my head was swaying swiftly like a water wave on a calm summer’s day.
I tried to breathe in and out as if in one of my meditation exercises but in vain.
I struggled to stay upright as the elevator cruelly tossed me over and over. Stamina was the last thing my petit body was willing to embrace at that particular moment.
The night was cold and harsh. Mocking alarms warned me that I had reached my level. The lift fell open with me.
I cursed nastily yet peacefully as my poor head hit the ground again. This time it was so gruesome and full of vengeance….

Monday, 11 February 2013

The little bird that sang



There was a little bird that sang melancholic tunes.
The ambiance was so tranquil yet filled with mockery
All its tweets depicted sorrow and its choruses incited distress.
The little bird sang beautifully but pitifully
Going over versus that sounded like chants at a funeral
Giving off a sad impression to any passerby that heard it sing
It made them weary and filled with grief as much as the little bird
Then one day came a little girl skipping playfully into the woods
Pig tails so curly and cheeks round and full of happiness
She sang merry tunes that really angered the little bird
The little bird sang on and on but the little girl did not seem affected
It increased its voice as it flew from branch to branch chanting in its usual disdain
The little girl however skipped on even more cheerfully
The bird soon wore out of singing soon and finally settled on a nearby branch quiet.
The little girl finally stopped too feeling sorry for the little bird.
Breathing helplessly the little bird begun to sing yet another sad tune
“why do you intone so little bird” The little girl asked.
The little bird then stopped singing and turned to the little girl a little shocked.
No one had ever asked him why he was so sad.
The bird begun to tell the little girl his sad tale.
“Ever since I was little, I have not seen any happiness,” said the little bird.
“As an egg, my mother was shot by hunters and my other siblings eaten for breakfast.”
“However, I survived and went on ahead to struggle all by myself. So in the woods, I sing sad songs to all passersby and depress them in my twisted tunes.
“You did survive didn’t you?” asked the little girl
“Yes, but I was left in this world alone, why should others be happy while I’m not?” the bird replied.
“It’s only you who makes yourself happy,” said the little girl.
The girl then went ahead to narrate a similar tale to encourage the bird.
“My parents were both hunters and eaten by bears five years ago.
 I was just 3 months old by then. For a whole six hours I was hungry and crying.
 However, an old woman passing by heard my cries and picked me up.
She brought me up until I was 5 and died just a few months ago.”
Touched, the little bird said, “so how do you go on around making merry every day? Shouldn’t you sing sad songs and let people know that you are sad? Make them know your pain and feel it too”
The little girl laughed and shook her head. “What’s the point? It’s not like it will bring back my parents or my guardian.” However, skipping in the woods everyday singing happy tunes makes me feel like they are with me in spirit. With every verse I feel my spirit break free and dance with them. That joy is enough to give me hope and keep me going.”
Speechless, the little bird went over the words of the little girl. He turned to speak to her a little more but the girl had gone.
At night he thought about it over and over.
If this little girl could do it, he would do it too.
The little bird woke up early the next day and he welcomed the sun with a chirp.
The animals in the jungle hauled out their heads in shock to confirm that it was really happening.
At first, the tweet was low then as the sun rose higher it was like an outburst of joy. It grew cheerier and gayer.
The sight of sunrise at dawn brought tears of joy in its eyes. The golden sun rays made the dew on the leaves glitter like diamonds and the flowers of the valleys glow like gems.
Never had the little bird seen this ever since it was born. He flew even higher following the sunrise, singing and feeling the spirit rise within him.
As he floated in the sky he realized that the stream below was as blue and glistening as the sun. Happiness broke through him and soon he looked beside him and realized that a similar female bad flew besides him.
Shyly he slowed down his tune and the female bird smiled in encouragement. Soon they were both chanting happily and by now the sun was up in the sky bright.
The little bird and his new companion finally settled on a branch and they stared at the clouds. The little bird finally realized one of the clouds was the little girl. She smiled, winked and floated away.
The little bird was shocked but then suddenly a new realization dawned on him as the female bird nestled her head close to his.
A smile curved and on his face and he sighed. The days were going to be better. The woods were going to be different. Every decision made was going to be influenced by happiness.
It was time to be happy and make other people happy too.